All is well that ends well
Leaving a career for the wild unknown
August 25, 2024
I walked away from what likely would have been a long and comfortable career in manufacturing for an Ayurvedic products company. It was a pretty cool gig – research, product development, and project management. It satisfied both my engineering analytical and creative mind. Prior to that I was an Ayurvedic Practitioner with a small private practice offering health and wellness coaching and therapeutic massage. Yet after eight years in the manufacturing business I’d hit a wall. The situation became: how do I navigate this while remaining seated in my integrity. My values and the grind for output collided.
I witnessed initiative after initiative develop and plateau, tank or explode. The roadmap was complex, long, and often circuitous. I understand that this can be the nature of the beast. However it was the internal approach and attitude that became challenging. Sometimes it felt like a never ending cycle, an ongoing attempt to feed the voracious appetite of consumer behavior with product production.
Towards the end one of the biggest challenges for me was the contradiction. I felt like a hypocrite selling products in the name of a greener, healthier, cleaner planet. Packaging, productivity, and new product launches are woven into the current health food, dietary supplement, and herbal market fabric. Every year, in an industry that is sky-rocketing, more and more products seem to be churned out in the name of eco-friendly, anti-aging or mind enhancing. One more silver bullet, toying with your worthiness to be, feel, or look like the best version of yourself.
The work was fascinating. It served a tremendous amount of people and contributed to the awareness, growth, and protection of medicinal plants worldwide and certainly in India where the majority of the plants were sourced. Yet it was also disheartening. It took a toll, both mentally and emotionally.
What became apparent to me amidst the sales engine and profit margin was that there’s no honest way for sustainability to be bought. We cannot shop our way to it. But it was happening. And all around me. It’s completely backwards, though many marketing campaigns and Sustainability Reports would like you to believe otherwise. Real change originates from a shift in awareness. A reckoning with what we need versus want. A balance between the heart and mind. We see the recycling quagmire, we see the mountains of waste, but somehow production and consumption rage on.
The beginning of the end
Over the years I’d worked intimately with the Leadership Team. My sense was that I made one of them particularly uncomfortable. Year six or seven is when I began to notice it. There were undercurrents I could no longer ignore and repeatable instances that made me bristle. My enthusiasm and excitement, my dynamism and my ability to lead the operations teams was loved and appreciated by the people I worked with. Whereas with him it seemed to be misunderstood. Our relationship was strained. Whether it was threat or annoyance we, each in our own way, accepted the terms.
There was one instance in particular, with the aforementioned individual, that captured it all. I was advocating how I’d be a good fit for a new position. One where I’d be able to write, educate, and explore how to touch more people through the healing power of plant medicine. He said I wouldn’t even be considered because I was a horrible writer. Yup, that’s what he said. I was not fit or capable of being in that area of the business. He based this assessment on internal emails to colleagues over the years. It stung. I was speechless. Hurt, my energy went into suppressing my tears considering we were at a restaurant having a company lunch. Be strong. They already think you’re emotional, dramatic. A co-worker was sitting with us, a witness, who I considered an ally. Yet he made no attempt to say a word in my defense. Or anything at all for that matter.*
Suffice it to say it didn’t really matter for it was the beginning of the end. This and a growing disdain for the industry catapulted me into solidifying my exit strategy. There was no role to aspire to. No project that I felt I could freely explore, let alone creatively expand. I would either don a cloak of sacrifice or be on my way. I continued on for a couple more years. Admittedly it was difficult. Shame, not knowing what to do next, and financial worry made it sticky. I did my best and probably over compensated at times; a symptom of being crippled with self-doubt. I second guessed. I calculated when to speak up for myself and when not to. Like doing it only part of the time helped or mattered. I know better now.
The experience made me a more courageous person, though it most definitely rattled my sense of worth. Today I’m much better at recognizing that my flaws are simply an inextricable part of who I am and that while they are present, I can still hold myself in high regard. Honestly. Tenderly. Consistently.
Continuing on
There are people in our lives that help us move forward. Having originated from his own insecurities, help was masked as an insult. Rough as it was, it inevitably planted the seeds of strength and resilience, as well as the clarity with whom to trust and how I wanted to treat others going forward. But at the time I was crushed. I’d lost respect for him professionally. And to a large extent I lost my enthusiasm for products based business dependent on sales and obsessed with the bottom line, while touting a vision of wellness, sanctity of nature, people, and planet.
Ironically what drew me to Ayurveda in the first place was that it was a living science based on the laws of nature and metaphysics. That we, we, have the agency and wisdom to self-heal. It’s not about buying something ‘healthy’. Rather, I think in this day and age, it’s about shedding, simplifying, and self-examination. It’s about leaning into love, trust, acceptance, and self-belief.
In retrospect I see how I was more apt to take product risk. I didn’t hide my impatience when it came to prioritization and choice around products and packaging. I often was a voice of reason in a whimsical world, the reality check in a sugar coated company culture. We were just different. And it was likely because of this that my seat remained securely below that proverbial glass ceiling. The one in which he controlled.
I also see now that roles we may or may not slip into have little to do with our full breath of qualifications. I had the experience and talent for the position. I had over 5 years of organic gardening and had over 15 with hands-on experience in herbal medicinals, foraging, gardening, therapeutics, and slow living. I had a passion for Ayurveda and knew there was an opportunity to make it fun and accessible. My enthusiasm was infectious. I was just as comfortable seeing and mapping big picture strategy as I was working in the weeds. I loved sharing and inspiring others through practical, empirical ways to live a more connected lifestyle with spirit and the natural world. And lastly, I thought I was a good writer, or at least a constant one (bound to get better).
Here I am, a few years later, a writer and gardener. I have zero regrets leaving. It was not that path I needed to take. Now I help others write. Go figure. The insult only motivated my exodus, strengthened that which I love, and kept me mindful of how I want to live with instead of on this precious planet.
Yours, Erin
*In hindsight I recognize that these two folks we’re just scared. Maybe even threatened. Unable to be honest when it really was necessary, they took the low, and what I consider to be an unprofessional, unkind road. I never regret the decision I made to leave.